Friday, 27 August 2010
“Nice shade of black.” “Which is different from the shade of black you were wearing yesterday.” He said.
“You have a way with compliments.” "Blunt with a thud." she added
“I mean, you’re not fishing for one now, right?” He said sarcastically.
“I was never fishing for compliments.” “Ever.” Her eyes rolling.
“So, what’s with the bag lady thing.” “Aha, shopping!”
“Piss off!” Hitting him with the bag.
“It’s definitely in the female gene.”
“I just got something I probably won’t need.” She said sighing.
“Something I won’t probably need.” She is trying to be incoherent.
“We’re not jelling here.”
“Who says anything about jelling?” “I’m ignoring you.”
“Hey look.” “Elephant on the clouds.”
“Cloud looks like an elephant.” “Nimbo-stratos” “Nimbus or whatever.” “It’s going to rain.”
“No it’s not.”
“ What’s that?”
“Is there such brand?” She knows the brand but just for the sake of talking.
“It’s European.” “Got it from duty free.”
When were you out of the country?”
“We sent Paige off at the airport.” “Got these and some Jack’s.”
“I could use some Jack’s.” she said
“Nimbus.” “Yeah, fucking nimbus.” “With a long elephant trunk.” Looking at the clouds. another offhand remark.
“What do you have in there.” asking her about the unlabelled brown paper bag.
“Stuff.” “Oh, and I got this old Stone Roses 11".” “The dude has no idea what he is selling.” “It was a fucking steal.”
“The Stone Fucking Roses.” "You never liked them." He said sarcastically.
“What would you do if your ex starts calling?” He is fucking good at changing topic in the middle of the conversation.
“Is that the question?” Her trying to ignore it.
“Fuck you it is.” “Which ex is giving you hell?” “The one with the long name?” “Or the one with the trying-to-be-cute name?” Smirking.
“I don’t know. I haven’t been calling them.” “Why should I?” “I might fuck up their minds, like what’s happening to you right now.” "Fucked up over a girl." She said bluntly.
So, what about the ex?”
“Are you finished?” “Are you supposed to be helping me on this?”
“What kind of help?” “I’m kind of short on cash.” He said smirking.
“Fuck you. I’m serious.” Hitting him in the head.
“Shit. That serious, eh.?” “Damn. Fuck him.” “If it’s fucking your mind up, don’t even bother.” “At least gimme some alcohol.” She said smiling.
Jack Fucking Daniels.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
3:40 AM Thursday. Hospital room. Drank alcohol. Not the brewed one but distilled. Fuck. It was distilled. For external use only. They sucked it all from her stomach. She wanted to die but not strong enough to pull it off. Or an abrupt attempt to kill herself but couldn’t finish the whole thing. I guess too much of this thing called love could kill you. Love. Delirium. Shit.
4:00PM Sunday. Deckard and Lana in a random coffee place.
“You really tried drinking isoprophyl alcohol, How was it?” Ill timed jokes are his specialty and he gets away with it.
“Not funny” “Let it go.”
“Ok, are you back together?” Trying to be serious but still smirking.
“Sort of.” She can’t describe what’s really going on.
“Don’t ya think that’s guilt on his part?”
“I'm not pushing it.”
“You better.” “This is just shitty.” “I haven’t met anybody too delirious.” “You are fucking delirious."
“Sorry, I don’t find anything about you that catches my fancy.” “No offense.” She lights another one trying to finish off the pack.
“None taken.” “And those dolphin tattoos are wicked.”
“Are you a twelve year old?” “I’m going to alter these or even erase it.” Smiling at Deckard’s childish comments. After all, he is a 12 year old trapped in a twenty thirty something body.
“Don’t worry about it.” “You’re still the most adorable shit head of all.” She continued.
“Well, HE thought of the design.” “I’ll alter it.” “Just like Johnny Depp’s”.
“Fine.” “You could do that Celtic thing.” “It would look way cooler.”
“Wickeder?” trying to speak his alien language.
“If there’s such a word, fucking yes.”
“There is.” “I’m fucking sure.” She smiles a bit. Those half smiles.
“Now, that’s not a scowl, is it?” “Fuck, she smiled!” “The heavens would be pouring soon!”
“Fucking hell.” “You’re the most adorable asshole ever.” “Thanks for listening.” Hitting him in the head.
“Thanks for the trust.” “I’ll tell everyone about it.” “I’ll blog about it.” “I’ll write a book about it.”
“Well, go ahead.” “You’re not going to finish it.”
“Why so?” He hit her in the shoulder playfully.
“You always have the best ideas, best answers, but you are the worst finisher.” mocking him.
“Since when do you start noticing shit about me.” He asks.
“Just a bit” she said.”
Just a fucking bit.
Monday, 23 August 2010
11:30 pm. Saturday. Hermann Goebells gig. Lana’s back. And how? Never put this girl down. She’s back on the drums. Drummer girl pounds away her demons. She turned away a lot of invites and we even politely asked her to join one of the other bands that were chasing her. I guess their music is not toxic enough and poisonous enough to have an effect on her. All she needs is poison. Her drumming is a cross between skin torture but she was trained in jazz so the sticks just bounced on the skins. At the end of the set the audience was left befuddled, mesmerized and bothered. Who’s the drummer girl? Why didn’t she join other bands? She could’ve been famous by now. Drummer Girl. Pa rum-pa rum- pum. (Yes, the Christmas song.) Acid on her veins. Keeps her going.
“Yo, Lana wait up!” Deckard half running to catch up.
“Hey.” “Thought you’re playing.” Waiting for him to catch up
“Supposed to. We don’t have a drummer.”
“You never had a drummer. Just a bass player, What’s her name?” She met her several times but couldn’t remember the name.
“ I guess so.” In her adorable half smile.
“ Paige’s in El – Lay now. She’ll be back next week.”
“ Why do you have girls in your band?” She never sounded playful and bubbly before. This is the first time.
“ They came to me.” “Got three other guys on board too.”
“House and noise?”
“House and noise.”
“I have your CD, I think.” She reminded him.
“I was about to give you one.” “You didn’t wait for the giveaway?”
“You did?” “I should get rid of this then.” “It has two extra tracks and a remix.”
“Wait, let me have it.” “Grabbing it from him.
“Makes me sleep.” “Really.” “Must be the layers.” “Yeah.” “It’s cerebral.” “It’s loud but doesn’t pierce the eardrums but rather bores through the skulls.” Her trying to give a review of the CD. Which actually are the underground reviews.
“Any chance you’d play with us.” Him trying to invite her.
“I don’t think so.” “You guys are better off with Industrial.” “Like Throbbing Gristle.”
“Throbbing Fucking Gristle.” He smiled. He hates comparisons with other bands.
“Name dropping” “I know you hated name dropping.” “Just pissing you off.” ”Yeah, and it makes me sound that I knew those bands.” She added.
“You’d be at home with Coltrane’s band.”
”Fucking Coltrane.” “Let the name dropping commence.”
This is the part where they’re supposed to argue about bands. Just like before. But this ain’t before. This is now. This is fucking different.
“How’s it going, Decks?” She beat him to the question. She somehow had the feeling that he’s going to ask a seemingly uncomfortable question. About the past perhaps? She hated the past. And she knows what the future’s going to be. And NOW is just too fucked up.
“Fine. Bands fine. I’m fine.” Somehow that was a lame attempt to be defensive.
“I’m fine too, Decks. I knew you’re going to ask that question.” “Yes, I tried to and fuck, let’s leave it at that.”
“Lan, we’re just trying to help….”
” I don’t need your sympathies right now. Save it.”
“I’m not trying to.” “The needle’s going to win eventually.” Him looking away.
“Sorry.” “It’s just…” Somehow agreeing with him. Yup, she’s agreeing with him these days.
“I get it.” “I know when to back off.” “Just do whatever you’re going to be doing.” He wants to say something but decided not to.
“You’re no Dr. Phill, man.” “You’d suck as a shrink.” Smiling again.
“I’ll be going around to find myself.” “I’ll be gigging a bit here and there.” Shibuya on the fifteenth. “Small art space.” She continued.
“Nice.” “Have it on video.” Somehow the mood has lightened a little.
“Saw a shrink recently.” “Fucking shrink.” She stares blankly.
“The Tony Leung guy? One of his offhand jokes again.
“You dated him right?”
“”I’m just playing.” “Sorry”
“And he doesn’t look like Tony Leung.” “You guys are the worst gossip.”
”Fucking hilarious” “Catch up sometime?”
“Sure.” “You’re buying.” She said…
Her half smiles again.
Friday, 20 August 2010
Hermann Goebells. misspelling intended so it isn’t obvious where the name came from. Well, It's actually obvious but just for fuck sake it is a monicker of the band taken from two German officers in World War II. Hermann Goering of the Luftwaffe and the infamous Joseph Goebbels. Deckard Lee, the founder, was named after Frank Deckard, a Blade Runner. Brilliant novel. An even brilliant movie. Ain’t it cool when your dad actually names you after a sci-fi character? It’s fucking brilliant to be exact. Citizen Kane? Blade Runner will fuck Citizen Kane. Twice.
“ Got a light?”
“ Where’s yours?”
“I don’t have one.” “Oh, here it is.”
Takes a long drag after lighting.
“They sure got caught.” said he. And again offhand.
“She and Him.” “Uncompromising.”
“I thought she broke up with her… you know, her ex.” He did know her ex. And she is a she. A Chrissie Hynde type.
“Her?” “I love her already.” Somehow what she’s saying is true.
“Uncompromising as in, in the act? She added.”
“As in bathrobe and a sleeping guy.”
“ I guess he still has a key.” "Lesson number one: always get the key back."
“ She moved on fast” he said smirking.
“ What’s with the side comment?”
“Hey, before you go ballistic. It’s just an opinion. It could be good or bad but that’s just it.”
“ A fucking bad opinion.”
“ I guess it is.”
She lights up too. Takes a long drag. And looks at him. And smiled. One of those rare smiles.
“Are we just talking about other people?”
“Oh shit. We’re like the rest of them.” He laughed too.
“Ok. We did.” “Fun wasn’t it.” “Now, let’s play a game of …Who’s fucking who?
“Asshole.’ kicks him in the shins in jest.
Only with him did she laugh hard. No amount of comedy could. Well, Monty Python perhaps and him.
Thursday, 19 August 2010
12:56 MN. Wednesday. Random dead guy. Stab wounds. Robbery victim. Unidentified. IDs were probably inside a wallet thrown somewhere after taking the money. Single? Perhaps. Married with kids? Maybe. I guess life is just random. It ends. Just another random episode of CSI.
“This is the last time I’m lighting up.” Paige on her second straight cigarette.
“You said last time, last time” Deckard reminding her.
“I mean this is perfect”. “A cup of coffee.” “Smokes.” “And a lot of mindless conversation.” “Just mindless, trivial shit” “You can’t ask for more.”
“And don’t ya start another break-up-would’ve-been-could’ve-been-story”. Deckard adds.
“I’m not about to start one.” “Besides, it’s all the fucking same.” As she takes a long drag.
“You must’ve hated that asshole.”
“I figured ya just made up twice this year.” With that evil smirk on his face that is up to no good.
“Aha, Are you taking count of all this?” With a hard slap at Deckard’s back.
“Nah, I wasn’t listening to your stories but you somehow manage to sneak this person between one them”.
“I guess…” Silence.
“I get it, no need to fill the lines.”
“The coffee.” The guy has perfected the art of ill-timing.
“What?” she was caught by surprise.
“Does it wake you up?”
“The mushrooms gives a stoney feeling.” “I couldn’t really find a word but it has a stoney feel to it.”
“No fucking way, let me try.” He grabs the cup and pushes her aside like a 10 year old. Paige hits him back in the head. He sips.
“Fuck, it’s just coffee.” “A disgusting kind, and why do you keep drinking this shit.”
“I don’t know.” “Taste good with smokes.” “Got some more?”
“Go buy your own.”
Gives him the middle finger. “C’mon, share the loot, asshole.”
She lights up. Again.
“This coffee is shit.” “What the fuck is it?”
“With the Chinese herbs.” “Mushrooms.” “Yeah, mushrooms.”
“Should have put weed in it.”
“This is not fucking Amsterdam, duude.” “Read my lips.” “As in Jeff Bridges, Duude.”
“There’ll be chaos here if they legalize the shit.” She added.
“I disagree with that.” “I couldn’t elaborate, but I definitely disagree.” Deckard disagreeing, duh!
“You just disagree.”
“I just disagree for the sake of disagreeing.” “It’s a strange fucking habit.” “And who says I’m fucking normal.”
“I wasn’t even going to open my mouth.” Paige taking along drag. She’s not fucking normal too.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Deck lights up a cigarette but Paige snatches it before he could puff some. She is making smoke rings now. They decided to walk smoking and passing the last cigarrette like a stick of marijuana. A nice day for walking. The sun was hiding behind the clouds. Warm but shady. Breezy but no drizzle.
"Look.” “The Love Bus!" Paige yelled over the street noise.
" Should be in the junk yard by now".
"Are you sure it‘s The Love Bus?"
"I'm fucking sure."
”You never ride buses.”
“I do.” “It’s fucking therapeutic.” “Seeing someone driving in the same fucking road every day.” “He’s more fucked up that I.”
“So you get off on that.” Deckard trying to look surprised
“I guess” “And the people who ride on it. Same street. Same route. Same highway. 24/7. Now that’s even more fucked up.” Paige with eyes rolling up.
“Yeah. Fucking Love Bus.” ‘Sponsored by Trojan magnums’ Deckard deadpans.
‘Fucking Pervert”. Magnums?. You? More like BBs.’ Paige trying to match Deckard’s sarcasm.
“The fucking Love Bus.’
“Fucking Love Bus.”
“How about The Love Train?”
“Won’t work. Too crowded.
The Perv Train is more like it.”
“Nah. Too embarrassing. “Remember the train ride October last year?” Somehow Deckard regretted he said that.
“Fucking hell. Don’t start this shit.” Paige looking away.
‘Sorry, unintentional. It’s more of a previous chapter for me so it’s fucking nothing. Really.”
‘Sorry, I’m a bit shakin’ up.”
“By the Perv train story? Deckard trying to lighten the mood.
“No, something else.’
“It’s obvious.’ He said softly
‘It’s obvious. You’re shakin’. Looking in her eyes.
“I dunno. Need some smokes.” Paige looking away.
“You want to talk about it?”
“In time. I’ll be in El- Lay on Thursday. Catch a gig. Got some tickets and the grant has been approved. Have to at least show up.’
“Don’t want to talk about the grant. It makes me feel “Intellectually Snotty.” I kind of like the feeling. I get off showing it off to hapless friends.”
“We’ll you are snotty, snobbish, bitchy and….”
“And you fucking love it.”
Nic Endo (born January 7, 1976) is a Japanese-German-American noise musician who played with the German digital hardcore group Atari Teenage Riot. The daughter of a Japanese mother and a German father, Endo was born in Texas, US.
Nic Endo joined ATR while they were on tour in 1997 and was involved with the production of their final album 60 Second Wipe Out.
After ATR effectively broke-up in 2000, Endo released an experimental solo album entitled Cold Metal Perfection. Released by Fatal Recordings, an explicitly feminist offshoot of Digital Hardcore Recordings, Cold Metal Perfection was named as one of the top 20 albums of 2001 by Alternative Press.
In 2001, Endo assisted in the production of Alec Empire's solo album, Intelligence and Sacrifice. She has also since been a part of Empire's touring band, and was also involved with his follow-up album Futurist (2005).
Her trademark is her black leather and white face paint overlaid by the Japanese characters 抵抗 (teikō), meaning "resistance".
Tuesday 9:00 AM. Random day. Rainy day in a noodle shop but not having noodles. Sorry, not in Hong Kong. It could've been ripped off a Wong Kar Wai movie but no. It's just a typical conversation between male/female friends who rarely see each other. This conversation would never work with two males and two females talking. Why? For males it would require the push of alcohol. For females the topic would always go back to shopping.
"Pass the chili"
"Is this really chili?"
"Sauteed in garlic."
"Burns like fucking acid." "Gives the food flavor" "Keeps your mind off the cholesterol" "Shits good." " Here."
He puts half a spoon of this wonderful concoction red chili sautéed in garlic while retaining the oil.
" Fuck, it burns". "And you ain't even sweating... for a girl."
" Emma Frost is my name". Paige deadpans.
"You're a Marvel chick after all."
Deckard slapping the table and pointed at her fingers shaking. (Doing a Crispin Glover Back to the Future impersonation)
"Of course" "and you are...."
"The Apache Chief" “I get to have the biggest dick in the world in just a say of a word!"
"Ha ha, Super friends 1975." "You are fucking old." Paige in a rare laugh.
"I got a DVD.'
"People always have DVDs of old shit." Paige trying to stop his Quentin-ish mouth.
"Citizen fucking Kane" "You gotta have Citizen Kane." "Jimmy Dean." “East of Eden." Deckard continues. "This shit is quite good. Changing the topic for once. “I can't believe it's just wet rice and tripe." "That reminds me of an aunt's recipe, tripe and all." "I was expecting it would look grotesque but it doesn't" "She's definitely the queen of presentation."
"Isn't that Callos?" "I kind of tried it already" Paige trying to end the monologue.
"Yeah, that's right."
“And I thought seafood is light.” “I gained weight”. An offhand remark. Paige is definitely the queen of such.
“Girls and their weight.” “ What the fuck is the connection between seafood and callos? Decks sarcastically asks.
“I don’t know. Random thought.” “Toothpick.” “Fucking tripe.”
“ Got to do it in the restroom.”
“I’ve seen your gums before.” “ And something else.” Deckard deadpans.
Gives him the middle finger.
“Aw c’mon.” “Going to the restroom to get tripe out of your gums?”
“None of your fucking business.” “Girl thing”.
“ Oh.” “Why didn’t ya say so.” “Need help?”
Gives him another middle finger
I don’t know if he just completely ignores her insults or he’s just cold. Anyway two could play that game and trading insults are just a way of life for these two.
“Are you eating this?”
“Yeah.” “Don’t touch it”. “I’ll be back for it.”
Girls restrooms. Why is it that it stays immaculately clean while the boys room looks and smells like a pigsty. If you don’t agree could you stand making whoopee at the boys room? Someone raising a hand? Fuck you. Slob.
She returns from her soiree. Perhaps after flossing the teeth. Powdering the nose. Girl thing.
“Where were we?”
“I don’t know.”
“Citizen Fucking Kane?”
“Yeah, Citizen Fucking Kane.”
“Orson Fucking Wells.”
“Seen that 9 hour movie?”
“Attempted to.” “I gave up after 5 hours” “Went in at 12 noon right after lunch.”
“Were you the last one out?”
“I won’t start any film school arguments with you.”
Paige an art student while Deckard is a self taught musician and engineer. Both are film buffs and argues a lot.
“You could actually tell that story in two hours.” “Too many unnecessary parts”
“Taught you that in film school?” “Where people see too much films with sub titles and read too much Oscar Wilde.”
“See.” “You’re always too personal in your attacks.”
“Coming from a non-film school background I give a bitter sting of the truth”
“The movie is just showing-off.” Deckard continues.
"Who's getting this?"
"It's your turn."
"Why do I get the feeling that I have been cheated."
"Whatever Johnny Rotten, pay the tab and lets get the fuck out of here."
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
her invisible friend
locked in her mind
she comes out for tea time
On the on the outskirts of her head
her invisible friend
the one who holds the whip
The one who holds the reins
her invisible friend
got infectious eyes
sometimes tells I'm the best
a pack of lies
her invisible girlfriend
in the train station
trashed the flat
Splitted into two
One of me's addicted to you
One of me begs to let go
The other can't stand me, the other can't stand you
Ceaselessly fighting for control
One incites, the other consoles
Each demands the wheel
Neither ceases to be real
Why are you so keen to forget?
sweeter in deep regret
Pain explored to the end
Hide it and it might never mend
Spill bitter tears
Doesn't it feel good?
Blame yourself, blame her, blame the world
Envy every boy with a girl...
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
'tis not her fault when they call her different
she'd relish the fact that she isn't
one of the girls who'd say they were "in"
she's just cool but a little bit insane.
Her stained finernails hidden in nail polish black
her mouth could be foul but doesn't hold them back
All she needs is her records of Davis and Coltrane.
Not the songs of the boring and mundane.
She wear her hair long and unkempt
she's got eyes unsure what it meant
sad or angry
She was too cool to care about fashion.
She'd start with mozart over a large cup of coffee black.
Day's she'd be fashionably sensitive
Some days she'd be silent and her mind subdued
She'd hate the smell in her hair
Everytime the smoke would fill the air
In her quiet pad you'd get to hear silence and
the sound of dear Lou and all the machine violence
I barely get to see her
and those forlorn eyes
the endless musical critiques and the bitter coffee
and the smell of cigarrettes in her hair
Friday, 6 August 2010
May 30.. Two Emails...
Saturday, May 30 – An oh-so-gloomy-rain-drenched Saturday evening. Headlights reflecting in the puddle as cars moved snails pace. Yet it was dark as in a sense, noisy, barely audible, unnamed band (electronic music) playing in the car stereo. Punctuated by Brocka’s dark and dreary Maynila sa kuko… Come to think of it, it wasn’t really that bad 20 years ago. This deserves a remake, using today’s characters. Well there isn’t really any changes except everyone’s carrying cell phones or wearing designer brands. Well, scrap the idea of a remake! Well, your news of leaving the flat caught me flatfooted. I felt that everything’s going well for you. You know, flat mates, work, people, work, the angst of living (you’re really not that angry). Then a burst of “women are fickle minded” on my phone screen. Well, that’s what caught my attention even though I don’t pay too much attention to text messages (a weird habit, perhaps?). Well, where does this go then? New roomies? Back to thy humble abode? By the time you read this you’ve probably moved out, but if you haven’t, need help with the furniture? As if. Well, It gets darker and darker that night and drowning in alcohol wasn’t my idea of fun. Though, I got my fix of Cerveza Negra, that black beer that has an aftertaste of coffee and something burnt. Then I excused myself, a bus ride is much more appropriate than a carload of blokes. Pretty strange, everybody dispersed quietly on Saturday night. Must be the rain, or the gig after the film wasn’t much of interest. Everyone just fell quiet. The vibe was just dark, like walking through the corridors of your oh-so-cool-ex apartment. I wonder what is it like in a room without windows. Just a light bulb and a door.
Saturday, May 30 – An oh-so-gloomy-rain-drenched Saturday evening. Headlights reflecting on the puddle as cars moved like maggots. Yet it was dark. As in noisy but barely audible, unnamed and undanceable electronic music playing in the background. Sorry, I haven’t been returning text messages. Never was a fan of the cell phone to start with. My nights are spent tweaking knobs, blending noises, ear splitting feedbacks only I could hear.(headphones) Music is now nameless, faceless, only the sound of obscurity. (filenames like: loop130 chorus) It’s like the bitter taste of dark beer (Cerveza Negra). Don’t take this seriously I’m just gathering enough negative energy for my audio projects. I actually have a lot of garbage lying around and finally that I have the drive to gather them. There’s just too many. A 30 minute song perhaps? Fookin’ hell, Why the fook not? Maybe longer? Should be. I’m on my surrealist mode right now. I guess that would define all the shit that’s going on. Maybe I’ll talk to the ghost of Or do an audio version of sleep. I dunno, It.’s probably just me. I just had enough of the name dropping (bands, record labels, genres, all of it). I just name dropped Warhol. Then, fuck Warhol. Just hated the idea when people ask me what do I sound like. Should I answer, It sounds like (Insert band name/Insert genre)? Don’t you just hate it when they say, katunog ng (insert band name). Man, it’s the show band mentality at work! (Cruise ship band according to a Jap-Am guy). Even the so-called indie people are into it. What is indie? Well, that’s a 10,000 word essay waiting to happen. Can’t do it now because I’m editing my 35 minute track. Who gives a fuck what it sounds like.
Dear fellow revolutionary:
What's your number these days? Just askin', have you developed any telekinetic powers. Like, objects move because you look at them. Sudden gusts of wind when you're around. And my personal favorite. . Well, just writing nonesense again because I think I've probably found my mutant powers. I'm an Ice-cold person! Iceman name has been taken but I think that would describe my powers. I'm a person devoid of emotions. I realized I have never cried since..my gosh, when i was 9 years old? I think I cried at that time because my dad won't buy me a bike. Are we supposed to cry at funerals? I had a feeling that we should. Judging by the eyes that look in my direction during the funeral. I'm the only guy in the immediate family that hasn't had tears. Maybe I need that emotion back. Sadness. Maybe it would come back with a loss of someone dear but right now, I don't see anything sad. Pity? Lots. Melancholy? Check. Forlorn? Yes, of course. I do feel emotions tugging inside but the physical manifestation is nada. Where had my tears gone? Had drugs destroyed my tear ducts? How do you automatically turn on the hydrant. Others had it so easy. I know the feeling of loss because I tend to dwell on it longer. I have this thing with crematoriums. Cemeteries tend to have hints of a festive atmosphere. Crematoriums are pure sadness and gloom. Anyway, I feel so much better now.
The dark clouds are back.
Note: I don’t do drugs. Really.
Ah, yes. The gig (a premonition).
It was 12-ish midnight the place
is still teeming with people. We
were in the audience, beer in hand
as the band took the stage. As I
stood there with a friend, who was
a staunch, hard-to-please music
critic, I wasn't expecting much.
And there he was.... looking good
onstage with an instrument in hand.
There was a hint of
which made him adorable as his band
staggered through the first song.
The musicianship wasn't as par as
what you listen to on the radio but
I don't think that matters right
now. My friend was mumbling
something to my ear, he is probably
unleashing one of his fiery
criticism or maybe one of his dull
compliments. but it won't matter.
The first song was over. Was it 4
minutes already? Time slowed for a
moment there or was it too fast? It
was quite windy that night as the
band moved from song to song. I
was able to chat with my friend but
I wasn't able to really comprehend
as his words became incoherent as
the band played my favorite song.
I saw his eyes gazed at my
direction for a split second as he
played on. Or did he? I was
chatting with my friend who I can't
believe was actually giving
compliments. He did. He actually
did. I caught him breaking into a
smile as our eyes accidentally meet
for the third time. Third time.
I was actually keeping track. This
is so not me. The band set ended
and my feelings were incoherent.
Were those eyes meant to cross or
does it mean anything. On a windy
January midnight the months have
changed already. As the days would
keep passing and the winds keep
blowing. I'll just keep stuff
hanging. Why?!? This is just me.
Doors aren't meant to be closed forever. It just there to serve it's
purpose. If it's meant to be closed it shouldn't have been a door.
It should have been a wall. And we are not in a position to decide
whether the door should be closed or open. It's better off not
mailed to Leanne (Jean Grey)